The Subtle Effect
by slyfoxxy
Summary: A ME1/2 Femshep fanfic, includes angst, romance and action. Eventual Joker/Shep. I'm not too good with summaries but I promise it'll be exciting!
1. The Pilot

It was too quiet.

The only sound was the beeps from his computer terminal as his hands flicked over the holographic keyboard. The whole ship was silent, as though it could sense the hopelessness that lay before them.

He was used to the quiet but this was different.

It wasn't the companionable silence that came with calm and loneliness, it was suffocating and agitating, a calm before the storm. If it would have helped he would have gotten up and paced, but his legs wouldn't do much good in that department, more of a lope really.

Besides he was sure _she_ was doing enough for the whole crew, the entire galaxy even.

Ever since they had been grounded by the Council and that ass Udina she had become more and more frazzled.

Alannah Shepard.

Suddenly there was an insistent beeping on his console, there was a message for her.

"Ah Commander?" He put out tentatively over the comm system, "There's a message from Captain Anderson. He says he needs to meet with you."

There was silence for a few seconds, she sounded tired when she finally replied.

"Thanks Joker, I'll look into it."

He shook his head sadly, he hated to admit it but he missed the _old_ Shepard; the incessantly annoying talk too much always asking questions Shepard.

The Shepard who had fire in her eyes and a wit that could almost match his, _almost._

He remembered times where she would ask a question and he would be an ass to her, he loved winding her up because it was just _so easy. _He never thought he would admit to himself that he missed their chats but he did. Her never ending cheerfulness was much preferable to this deflated, defeated shadow.

He didn't know what the Council had said to her but she hadn't been the same since being grounded, he thought she might have fought back with her usual vigour and fierceness. Instead she silently accepted what they had said to her. That wasn't the Shepard he new.

He wished he could comfort her, but even the thought made him feel awkward. He wasn't a people person and not particularly touchy feely. If she needed comfort that's what Kaidan was for. Something twisted in his gut and he was suddenly angry with himself, he was a lowly crippled pilot, not worth her attention. She deserved someone who could take care of her, watch her back in a fire fight, protect her from the scary things they faced.

He smirked at this thought, Shepard needing protection? Who was he kidding?

He didn't realise how long he had been thinking as running footsteps pulling him out of his revelry.

He turned his chair to see her standing there, her eyes wide and her face crinkled in that familiar determined look.

He was taken aback.

"Get ready Joker, we're going to Ilos."

Ah, _now _he understood.

He looked her over as she stood there, panting and clearly out of breath. He smirked at her.

"Welcome back Commander."


	2. The Commander

"Shepard?"

The woman looked up from her desk as Kaidan Alenko entered her quarters.

She rubbed her eyes and looked at the screen in front of her, the words had blurred and lost all meaning a few hours ago but she needed something, _anything_, to distract her. She stood and stretched, literally hearing her bones creak as she moved, she must have been sitting there longer then she thought.

"How long until we get to the Relay?" she asked as she started to pace.

"Joker said about two hours," he sighed, "He also said if I asked him one more time he'd open the airlock and push me out."

Alannah snorted, it sounded very much like something the pilot would say.

"Two hours is a long time when it's all you can think about," she replied.

He caught her arm and looked at her intently,

"It's not all I think about."

The room suddenly became very small and her heart leapt to her throat.

"Lieutenant I don't think-"

"Alannah please," he seemed sad, "I couldn't live with myself if anything happened to you."

His face was inches from hers and her eyes widened at what he was saying.

She looked away her face reddening, this was _not _like her, in a matter of a few seconds he had reduced her to a shy school girl.

His words also made her think of Ash.

Ashley Williams, the Gunnery Chief that had sacrificed herself to make sure everyone else gotten out alive.

He released his grip on her arm and she took a step back, he looked crestfallen at her deliberate action.

"I would have said the same for Ash, and yet here I am. Things don't always go the way you plan but you have to push on and hope things work out."

She was genuinely regretful that she had hurt his feelings, she had no idea that he felt this way.

"I'm sorry."

He smiled sadly and touched her cheek, "So am I."

He moved towards the door but turned back to her before he left.

"I want you to know this doesn't change anything, I will still do my best to protect you and see that the mission succeeds."

She just nodded as he left.

Her mind was a whirlwind of thoughts, images and words kept echoing through her head until she thought she couldn't take it anymore. She needed some sanity, a fresh view.

She needed Joker.

"Hey Commander," He acknowledged as she approached, he didn't even need to turn around.

"You're still calling me that? Don't think I much deserve it."

He chuckled and shook his head.

"Well you _did _steal and alliance ship and defy the Council...but I'd rather be in trouble with them then, you know. Dead."

He seemed calm, as though certain death was not awaiting them.

"If you're here on an ETA I'll tell you the same thing I told Alenko-"

"Yeah, yeah airlock, I get it."

He looked over to her as she took a seat to his left,

"Been spreading it around I see, smart man."

She smiled slightly, "Oh I'd _love_ to see your attempts at trying to get me out the airlock, what are you going to do? Break your arm at me?"

He rolled his eyes and didn't reply, they all knew it was an empty threat but they really didn't need an aggravated pilot right now.

"I could do some airobatics with the Normandy, you know make you all sick until you jump out by yourselves. At least then I'd get some peace and quiet."

She looked out the window for a long time before finally seeing the Relay in the distance. She shivered.

"Commander?"

She turned at his sudden break in the silence, he had the strangest expression on his face.

"I just wanted you to know...whatever happens from here on out I-"

He smiled and shook his head, "It's been an honour working with you."

She knew how hard it must have been for him to admit this.

"Thanks Joker... I feel the same."


	3. The End of the Beginning

"The nearest landing place is only 20 meters, you'll never make it!"

XO Pressley sounded both scared and agitated as he argued with Shepard.

"I can do it."

The Commander looked at him inquiringly, "Joker?"

There was a look of grim determination on his face.

"I can _do it_!"

"Don't be stupid," cried Pressley, "It's suicide!"

The woman looked down at him, he could see his expression reflected in her own.

"If Joker says he can do it, I trust him." She touched his shoulder and looked down at him nodding.

"Do it."

She sped off to get the Mako ready as they approached the planet's surface, Pressley was raging silently across the room.

"You're an idiot," he mumbled as Shepard spoke in the pilot's ear.

"We're ready Joker."

He pulled the Normandy in hard and fast, even though he was confident he could pull it off his heart was still in his throat. The ship descended swiftly, the docking doors were open as he pulled up suddenly. They saw the Mako drive out and fall towards the earth.

"_Come on, come on..."_

All they could do was watch as the rover landed...and skidded to a halt a metre away from the ruins.

The crew released a collective sigh of relief.

"Alright Joker, I knew you could do it!"

He could hear the grin in her voice as she confirmed they had landed safely. It was times like these he wished he could get down there and help her, but he knew he'd be more of a hindrance then a help.

"Good luck Alannah," he murmured as the dots of his friends disappeared into the ruins.

"_I just want you to know...whatever happens from here on out I-"_

_**Just say it, tell her how you really feel...**_

"_It's been an honour working with you."_

_**Coward.**_

_A smile lit up her face, "Thanks Joker, I feel the same."_

_**There's still time, do it! Do it now!**_

"_You're a really good friend Joker."_

_**Shit.**_

He shook the thoughts away, the remembered conversation of two hours ago. It hurt his heart to think about it.

Who was he kidding?

His whole life he'd been the friend, or the arrogant jerk. It had mostly suited him...until now.

Sure he'd had relationships, but he really didn't want to be with a girl that wanted to 'fix' him. He liked himself just the way he was...until now.

"_Damn it Shepard..." _He seethed silently to himself, but he wasn't really angry with her, just his situation.

"_It's my own damn fault for falling for a hero of the galaxy...what the hell am I thinking?"_

"Joker!"

The irritated voice of the Quarian Tech Tali broke through his thoughts.

"What?"

Shepard's voice took over the Comm,

"We need you to head back to the Citadel,"

"_What!"_

"Saren has just entered a Mass Relay that is connected to the Citadel, he plans on giving Sovereign access from the _inside!_"

He was confused.

"But ho-"

"Don't ask questions, just do it!" she barked, "We're heading through ourselves, there's not much time before it closes so go...NOW!"

The Comm cut out and all he could hear was static. Pressely stared at him dumbfounded for a few seconds before shaking it off.

"Well you heard her, get moving!"

The Pilot pulled the Normandy around and headed back towards the Relay, his heart was once again in his throat and he knew he wouldn't be able to calm down again until he knew she was ok.

It was the longest hour and a half of his life.

"This is Admiral Hackett of the Fifth Fleet, I need to speak to Commander Shepard."

As soon as they were near the Citadel the Alliance was upon them.

"Sorry Admiral," Joker replied agitated, "The Commander is currently in the middle of saving all our asses from extinction."

The Admiral cleared his throat over the Comm, "There has been reports of Geth ships in the vicinity of the Citadel, most of the Alliance Fleet is trapped. We are ready to move in."

_Shit._

"Admiral," It was Pressely, "We are currently in the process of trying to contact the Commander, as soon as we do you'll be the first to know."

Suddenly the Comm started to buzz.

"Normandy to the Citadel, Normandy to the Citadel. Please tell me that's you Commander."

He tried to keep the desperation out of his voice as he spoke.

"I'm here Joker."

He sighed in relief.

It was relayed that the Council was aboard their ship and needed rescuing but to do so would mean sacrificing many human lives. In the pilot's opinion he didn't think they deserved it but he'd follow whatever she had to say.

"I'm sitting here with the entire Arturious Fleet, what's the order Commander? Come in now to save the Ascension? Or hold back?"

"Opening the Relay's now Joker, we have to save the Council."

Admiral Hacketts voice came over the comm once again, "Alliance fleet move in, we need to save the Destiny Ascension at any cost."

It didn't take long for the Alliance to decimate the geth ships.

"The Citadel is open, all fleets move in, concentrate on Sovereign."

Joker informed the Council that they had the all clear, he shook his head at the Commander's compassion for the only people who had not believed in her, but that's just the way she was.

He heard cheers and cries ring out as the Reaper corpse let go of the Citadel and plummeted into space, they were all eagerly awaiting news on their companions.

He heard Anderson's voice for the first time in a long time.

"We've found them. They're alive, I repeat, they're alive."

He sat back in his seat, his body felt like jelly. After the constant adrenaline rush of the past couple of hours he felt exhausted and overwhelmed.

But she was ok.

Shepard lived to fight another day.


	4. Interlude

This Chapter is a sort of in between, I thought the crew and Commander deserved some sort of party or ceremony before going off to fight the geth. I guess you could call it an interlude. Enjoy.

* * *

"Joker! Why aren't you dressed yet?"

The pilot visibly winced as Shepard approached him in the cockpit.

"Well, I was sort of hoping you'd forget about- Woah!"

She blushed as he turned to face her but kept her glare, she was not used to formal functions or dress and felt quite naked without her guns.

"You look..." His surprised expression made her turn redder as he seemed lost for words, he was _never _lost for words.

"She looks like she is ready to attend a function in her honour."

Kaidan approached from behind them, releasing her from her embarrassment.

"It's not in _my_ honour, it is to honour the Normandy and her crew, which includes you Joker, so don't change the subject."

They glared at each other stubbornly for a few minutes before he sighed and shook his head.

"_Fine!_ But I'm _not_ shaving."

She smirked, "Oh I wouldn't dare dream of asking you to do that...Now go, or I'll drag your ass down there and dress you myself."

As the pilot loped away grumbling she turned to find Kaidan smiling at her, obviously there exchange had amused him. He looked quite handsome, all dolled up and ready to take on the Council. There was something about the way he stood that made him seem quietly confident, something she did not feel herself.

"You look good Commander," he said after a while and she realised she had been staring at him.

"Oh, uh you don't look to bad yourself lieutenant, maybe it'll be an advantage if everyone in the room is looking at you and not me."

"Somehow, I doubt they'll be looking at _me_."

She chuckled softly and rolled her eyes, he didn't give himself enough credit. They stood for a while, waiting for Joker, everyone else had already left and if he didn't hurry they would be late.

"Uh Commander?"

She turned to find Joker approaching, he looked _very_ uncomfortable and had a grimace on his face, but behind that she saw that he was quite good looking and realised she had never seen him like this.

"There's still time to change your mind you know, you could always say you couldn't find me, or better yet-"

"Joker..." She sighed and grabbed his arm, not too hard though, and linked hers through it.

He sighed in resignation as the three of them left for the ceremony.

* * *

Alannah sat with the crew of the Normandy, trying not to show how bored she really was; she had never been one for formal functions and this one really grated on her nerves.

She hated the fact that all the representitives of the Council, the Alliance and the other races sucked up to her now she had saved their hides, she knew it was all pomp and pandering to keep the peace. The speeches were the worst though, people she had never met having to put their own two cents in on all they her crew had done. A few of them were lucky, Tali, Wrex and Liara had gone off to do their own thing, Garrus was the only alien crew member left and he had managed to weasel his way out of attending.

The only people she actually looked forward to seeing were Admiral Hackett and Captain Anderson, correction _Councilman _Anderson. She couldn't believe how quickly that had been pushed through, it had only been a month since her defeat of Sovereign and the Geth. She looked around the table, everyone seemed to be having a good time, talking, laughing and drinking.

All except Joker.

He was brooding, playing with his plate and sighing heavily every minute or so, he looked how she felt. He had only _just_ managed to put on a polite face when his name was mentioned as the pilot who had put the killing blow to the Reaper, he did not like the spotlight. She felt bad that she had dragged him along, but justified. If _she_ had to attend, so did he.

Finally speeches were over and everyone was talking and mingling, there were a lot of people to see. The words of greeting and thanks lost all meaning after the thousandth person and her arm was heavy from all the handshaking.

After what felt like an age the crowd around her dispersed and her eyes went straight to her pilot, people were trying to engage him in conversation but he was having none of it or else replying sarcastically. Kaidan came up next to her, his eyes on Joker too.

"I don't think he's doing to well, I'm surprised he's made it this long without cracking."

She nodded, "I guess I should go put him out of his misery."

He straightened up as she approached him, his usual smirk firmly in place.

"Having fun Commander? I'm finding my company so _intellectually _engaging, I don't want to scoop out my eardrums with a spoon, no way."

The Asari trying to capture his attention obviously did not catch his sarcasm.

"Ok Joker, I think you've been tortured enough, we can go."

She had never seen he man leap to his feet quite so fast before, she was surprised he didn't break a kneecap. He hobbled as quickly as he could back towards the Normandy and she found it quite comical, he reminded her of a duck.

"I'm sorry Joker," she managed after catching up with him, he was moving quite fast for a cripple.

"For what?"

"For dragging you out here, I know you don't like this sort of thing but I guess I thought we all deserved a chance to relax and have fun."

He snorted, "Relax? You were as bored as I was."

She looked at him, and he raised his eyebrows. "I saw the way you were looking at every person who greeted you, it was as though you were imagining stabbing them all with your fork."

She blushed, well she had been imagining _something_ like that, it was the only way she could force herself to be polite to all the pompous and fake people wanting her attention.

"But of course, the great Commander Shepard would _never_ think of doing something like that."

They walked on in silence for a while, he had slowed down quite a bit and seemed more tentative in his steps.

"Anyway you're lucky, anyone else would have had to drag me kicking and screaming to that poor excuse for an ass kissing they called an Honour Ceremony."

"Well, I guess I'm honoured."

"Yeah, so you should be."

He stopped and turned to her, his eyes intense and scrutinizing, before a grin spread across his face.

"Food was good though."

She just rolled her eyes, remembering his poor imitation of Udina using a potato and a carrot.

"Goodnight Joker."

She headed towards her quarters and did not turn back, if she had, she would have seen the man banging his head softly against the wall in frustration.


	5. A Lonely Way to Go

Commander Alannah Shepard drummed her fingers on the console of her holopad as she re read the reports of the last six months, just like the last time and the time before that there was nothing new to find. Restlessly she chucked the thing onto her bed before getting up and pacing, she was surprised there wasn't a groove worn into the floor.

The Council had sent her into the Terminus Systems to investigate the Geth, but so far they were chasing rainbows. Just when she thought they were getting somewhere they would come to a dead end and have to start again. A few human colonies on the edge of the systems had gone missing, The Council refused to do anything because of the warnings that had been sent out. Shepard sighed and rubbed her eyes, catching her reflection in the mirror above her console.

Her shoulder length blonde hair had been put into a loose ponytail, strands hung around her gaunt and tired face. The hazel eyes that stared back at her were surrounded by black shadows and she was more pale then usual. She was shocked by her appearance, she didn't realise she had been neglecting herself so much lately. Dabbing a bit of foundation around her eyes and quickly redoing her hair she headed down to the crew quarters, thinking herself into circles wouldn't help her.

Murmurs of activity reached her ears as she strolled through the ship, checking on people and stopping every now and then for a short conversation. Her crew had become like a second family to her, everything they had been through together managed to keep them all here, they knew what the real threat was. Just as she was taking the elevator down to check on the engines Joker's voice came over the comm system.

"Brace for evasive manoeuvres, incoming hostiles!"

Suddenly she was thrown to the ground of the elevator and slammed against the wall, as the door opened in engineering she skidded out. She could smell smoke and saw that a few small fires had started. Racing into the engine room she noticed it was empty, save for one body already alight. Coughing she placed her mask on, no chance risking the oxygen deprevation.

"Shepard!"

As she turned to see Kaidan another blast hit the ship, knocking them into each other. The man fell on top of her, knocking the air out of her lungs. He quickly scrambled to his feet and helped her up.

"Kaidan, what's going on?" She asked, trying to put one of the fires out.

"Unidentified hostiles are attacking the ship, the hull has been breached, shields are down and engines are out. Joker has sent out a distress signal but I don't think anyone is close enough to help us."

"Figures," she muttered, kicking one of the consoles, it sprung open and holopad's flew everywhere.

He grabbed her and pulled her out of the room as the fires flared up.

"Joker is still up in the cockpit, we have to go now!"

She shook him off.

"You go, I'll take care of Joker."

"Commander I-"

"_GO_! Make sure everyone gets out safe, we won't be far behind you."

She could see the worried look on his face through his helmet.

"Don't worry we'll be fine, we haven't been through all this to die now."

She pushed him towards the escape pods as she ran back up the stairs, the elevator was by now out of order. She could hear Joker's mayday call every minute or so and hoped she could reach him before the ship broke apart. As the door to the comm room opened the woosh of air nearly took the breath right out of her lungs, she looked up and realised that part of the hull was missing. The gravity of the Normandy forced her to walk so slowly towards the cockpit she couldn't stand it.

"Come on baby, hold together"

The distress and fear in the pilot's voice broke her heart, the Normandy was Joker's life but she was determined that they both would not go down with the ship. After what felt like an eternity she reached him, watching incredulously as his hands flicked over the console.

"Joker what are you doing, we have to leave now!"

"No, we can still save her!"

"The Normandy is dead! And so are we if we don't-"

"They're coming around for another attack!"

The panic in his voice hit something inside her like a switch, she grabbed his arm and pulled him from the chair, he protested the whole way. Two more blasts hit the ship, they stopped and clung to each other with each quake, hoping against hope that they wouldn't suddenly be sucked out into space.

The gravity disappeared and it was a lot easier to pull the now defeated looking pilot along, without much protestation she was able to push him into the last escape pod. She felt the heat against her suit as one final blast reached the Normandy.

"Commander!"

The impact from the blast had blown her away from the pod, without hesitation she pressed the emergency lockdown button and heard a hiss as the door began to close.

"Shepard!"

There was a new note of panic and distress in his voice as the pod fell away and the ship fell apart, Shepard was knocked against a pylon and heard a faint ripping as she spun awkwardly into space.

The dead silence panicked and overwhelmed her, she could see the Normandy dying and falling into the atmosphere of a near by planting but could hear nothing. She tried to take a breath, then another. Her heart began to beat fast as she realised her oxygen supply was cut off. Spots began in front of her eyes, bright colours of blue, pink and yellow.

She was suffocating.

She stopped struggling, no one was coming for her. She had done her part, she had defeated Sovereign. As she looked to the planet below her she saw the beauty of it and hoped her friends had all gotten away safely.

Then nothing.


	6. Rebirth

The man gingerly swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood up, he was still getting used to the fact that he didn't need to walk with braces or crutches any more. Sure he was bones were still a lot weaker then the average human adult, but at least with Cerberus' upgrades he could walk around without having to worry that the pressure of a simple stroll might shatter his kneecaps.

A lot had happened in the two years since Alannah Shepard's death, he still remembered it as clear as day, as though it had happened but a moment ago.

He blamed himself.

Had he left when the Commander had asked him to, or when he kept fighting even though he knew it was a hopeless cause, maybe... she might still be alive. He knew everyone else blamed him too, especially Alenko. Joker's fists clenched when he thought of how close he had come to shattering his fist on his friend's face. If Chakwas hadn't of held him back...

Well he probably would have done a lot more damage to himself in the long run anyway, but the way Kaidan was carrying on you'd think he had murdered her with his own hands. He could remember calling out to her, trying to reach for her as the doors closed and cut him off. She had no chance, he had seen her hit the pylon, her suit rip. He watched in agony as she clutched at her suit, her throat....then nothing. The pod moved away but he watched that spot until there was nothing left to watch for.

It gave him nightmares.

Everyone had given up on him once the Alliance had picked them up, for some reason they all thought he needed a hiatus.

"_Hiatus my ass!"_ he muttered to himself, he wasn't stupid. He knew they wanted to discharge him, figured it was 'too much stress' on his bones to be able to fly any more. If it wasn't for Doctor Chakwas he'd probably sitting in some bar getting drunk and whittling away his credits. Well he guess not _everyone_ had given up on him.

Then Cerberus had come along, offered him a job and some gene therapy. He was a bit sceptical at first, but the appeal of flying was just too hard to resist. Plus, he couldn't give up on _her_.

They'd never lied to him, had told him from the start what they planned to do. Find her body and bring her back. He never thought it would actually happen, after all it had been two years, her body would have been in such a deteriorated state...

He didn't want to think about it any more.

But the thought of seeing her again, hearing her voice and watching her smile. That's what sealed the deal for him. And now, as he stood in the docks of the top secret Cerberus facility he knew something was up. They had revealed to him the night before the ship he would be flying, a real beauty and three times the size of the Normandy.

"Mr Moreau?"

He turned to see an asari approaching him, he really wished they'd stop calling him that.

"Yeah?"

"The Illusive Man wishes to speak with you."

Now he _knew _something big was going to happen, in all the time he had been here he had never once seen or spoken to the famed Illusive Man.

"Right then, lead on."

* * *

A holographic man sat before him, he was smoking a cigar and his eyes gleamed with an unnatural light. It figured that wouldn't get to see the actual _real _Illusive Man, he wasn't important enough for that.

"So you're the big boss man I've heard so much about, with the name like The Illusive Man, I gotta say I was expecting someone a bit more...shadowy?"

"Ah the famous Moreau wit I've heard so much about." The man chuckled and dabbed his cigar into an invisible ashtray, "I've read a lot about you Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau, or should I say Joker?"

The pilot just stood with crossed arms, he was nervous and he wanted to know what's going on.

"Just tell me, why am I here? After all this time, why do you want to see me now?"

"Because we have an important task for you, we've been waiting a long time for this."

The man leant forward and templed his fingers.

"Waiting a long time for what?"

"Commander Shepard is alive."

Time stopped. He couldn't breathe. The words repeated in his head over and over.

_Shepard....Alive...._

"_Shepard's alive!"_

He realised that the Illusive Man was talking to him again and shook his head to rid it of the cobwebs.

"She will be here any minute, I need to talk to her but I thought I'd fill you in on the details too."

"_She's here? She's coming _here!_"_

He could hardly believe what he was hearing. His heart was in his mouth and he was sweating and shaking.

"I'd like it to be a surprise when she sees you, so if you don't mind..." The man gestured to the door and Joker looked at it dumbly, he seemed to have lost all ability to speak.

"Ah sure."

He stood in the hall, his thoughts whirling around in his head, in a matter of moments he'd be seeing her again.

Alannah.

He felt sick and surreal, what would he say?

What would _she_ say?

The longer he stood by himself, the more apprehensive he felt. Suddenly the doors in front of him hissed and opened, he hesitated for a second before limping through.

She was there.

She was standing straight, talking to the Illusive Man, her blonde hair curling around her shoulders. It was impossible but undeniable.

Shepard was _alive!_

She turned when she heard the doors open, her hazel eyes widened and she gasped in shock.

"Joker!"

He always thought that if this moment ever came he would greet her opening comment with wit and charm, invented entire conversations in his head...now that the moment had come his mind was entirely blank.

"Hey Commander," He replied lamely.

"_Real smooth Joker," _he chided himself inwardly, but she didn't seem to care.

He could see her tears as she rushed at him, hugging him with such force he grunted in surprise.

"Oh Joker, you're alive! I didn't know if you were ok or-"

Suddenly she realised how hard she was holding him and let him go as though he were a hot coal.

"Oh I'm so sorry! You're not hurt are you/ I didn't break any bones..."

"I'm fine Commander, you aren't the only ones Cerberus upgraded."

They just stood there, grinning at each other awkwardly until he remembered the ship.

"Come on, there's something I want to show you."

* * *

As she surveyed the ship through the window he couldn't stop sneaking peeks at her, she looked the same yet there was definitely something different about her. Then he realised- _she looked exactly the same._ She hadn't aged at all, even though it had only been two years he felt like he'd aged a decade, she still looked like the fresh faced 29 year old Commander of old.

Wow.

"Something wrong Joker?"

Crap, she had caught him staring. He just shook his head and smiled as he looked back at the ship.

"I guess we're going to have to give her a name," she continued, turning back to the window.

He grinned and nudged her, "I think I have an idea for one."


	7. Bitterness

Authors Note: Sorry about the short chapter and the loooong hiatus, I have only just started playing ME again but hope to have more chapters up soon :) Enjoy!

Two years.

_Two Years!_

It was so hard for her to wrap her head around, everytime she had a spare moment to think about it she started to get a migraine. And everyone had forgotten about her, well almost everyone. The fact that Cerberus had spent the last two years rebuilding her said something of their dedication to humanity.

Lanah knew the Reapers were still a threat.

How much closer had they gotten since she had...died?

The Illusive Man really rubbed her the wrong way, he assumed she would agree with everything he said, that she would be _so _grateful he had brought her back from the dead.

Her mind was going in circles, she really didn't want to think about it, and the shock in Tali's voice when they had met on Freedom's Progress, her hesitance to trust the person that had once been a close friend...

Cerberus was a cancer, but she knew that for now she had no choice. The Council had not exactly welcomed her back with open arms and Anderson's hands were tied. Cerberus was her only chance at finding out what the Collector's were doing and what there connection to the Reaper's was. She sighed and rubbed her eyes, maybe she should go see Joker, he seemed happy as a clam in the new Normandy...

Except for one thing.

When Joker had called the AI EDI a ship cancer she had to smirk, he _really_ didn't like AI's.

"This isn't the real Normandy Joker, there's nothing left of the original."

"Well, there's us. You'll see it'll be better then old times."

She smiled softly, "I hope so, I died."

"Man you are such a downer," he grumbled as he went back to monitoring his gadgets.

In truth she wanted to talk to him about it, but he seemed to avoid the topic like a plague, whenever she wanted to talk about what had happened he found an excuse to avoid the conversation.

It hurt.

She had been so happy to see him when he appeared at the Cerberus base she had nearly crushed his spine, and she thought the feeling had been mutual. Sure he was happy she was alive but he seemed distant.

Lanah felt so isolated. Everyone expected her to just take the fact that she had _died_ and get over it. How can any normal person do that? But then again she wasn't normal, she was Commander Shepard.

Bitterness tinged everything, she would go about as she always did, but she couldn't pretend nothing had changed. She would focus on the mission, it seemed like suicide but when had anything she had ever done _not _been?

She looked over her dossiers once again, Mordin Solus, Archangel.

She would concentrate on acquiring them into her team, she would think about how her heart was shattering later.


	8. Cockpit

_"I died Joker."_

He knew the statement wasn't accusatory but he cringed whenever she broached the subject. He didn't want to talk about it, as far as he was concerned she was alive now and that was all that mattered.

He caught himself watching her on the surveillance cameras, she drifted about as she used to talking to the crew. He had the overwhelming fear that if he looked away for even a second she would disappear, and it would all be a dream. She would still be dead and he'd be unwanted and destroyed.

Joker hated the AI, he felt as though he were being spied on, and the way it called him Mr. Moreau irritated him to no end.

"Mr. Moreau, the surveillance cameras are for _surveillance_, I'm sure the Commander will be pleased to know that her star pilot is daydreaming over her all day."

He _knew _he could hear a condescending tone it its annoying voice and it raised his hackles.

"Shut up you stupid machine, man if I had known Cerberus was going to let an AI run loose I would have given my resignation then and there."

"I do not 'run loose' as you so eloquently put it, I am quite securely shackled to the AI Core, so any thoughts of opening me into deep space are unreasonable."

"Shoot me now," he muttered turning back to his console.

"Joker!"

Her voice made him jump and his heart skip a beat, "Yes Commander?"

"I assume everything is going well up here?"

"Yeah I was just thinking of manipulating the drive core to get more of an output in the engines and-"

"Safety procedures advise _against _manipulating the drive cores when the engine is running and in use."

The disapproving tone of the AI made him scowl.

"Man Cerberus really dropped the ball in this one."

Shepard was smiling at his discomfort, "You have a mute button, use it."

"Yeah but that doesn't change anything, it's still watching. Like some creepy kid staring at the back of your head in comp sci you just want to punch him but he's "special" and sets fires or something."

He knew he was rambling and Shepard seemed quite amused.

"Not my problem."

"yeah thanks, I'll remember that."

He felt like sticking out his tongue at her and at that split second it felt like old times, but then her smile faded and her face hardened slightly. It took him aback, she had never locked him out before, he had a feeling it was his own fault.

"I just came ask you if you had a message you wanted me to pass onto the Cap- I mean the Ambassador."

When Anderson had become the human Ambassador he tried to plead Joker's case to the Alliance Military but they would not be swayed. To tell the truth he kind of missed the old guy, but he _knew _Anderson would disapprove of his current position.

"Uh...tell him I said hi?"

"Joker..."

"Well, what do you want me to say, we didn't exactly end our last meeting in the best of circumstances. If I remember correctly he said 'If I join Cerberus he would personally drag my crippled as back to Earth even if it meant breaking every bone in my body.' Yeah, something like that..."

Lanah looked at him, trying to gauge whether he was being serious.

"Hi it is."

Without another word she turned and left the cockpit.

He let out the breath he didn't know he had been holding.

"Mr. Moreau if I could-"

"Mute!"

He mashed his finger down so hard on the button he heard a crack.

"Dammit! Stupid machine!"


End file.
